I'm not saying that dating prospects are exactly abundant, but I try not to be hung up on statistics. According to the statistics, I as the product of a single-parent home and fairly mediocre public schools, shouldn't be earning a Ph.D. So what the hell ever. Of course some single black women are lonely, but sometimes the loneliest people you meet are those in relationships. It seems like all these pieces do is instill fear in black women, and inflate the egos of black men, without ever addressing the root cause of the problem. Watch the video at your own risk:
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My Degrees Will Keep Me Warm at Night....Lol!
So recently there seems to have been an uptick in stories abut the plight of the single, black, successful woman. I blame Obama (just kidding!) (Seems like we blame the President for everything, so why not this?) But seriously, you know the drill, the producer rounds up a couple of highly accomplished black women, who are more successful at acquiring degrees than they are at acquiring boyfriends :-) Then the producer rattles off a list of depressing statistics about how many black men are dead or in jail, usually followed by the women going on some sort of tirade about how "they won't settle." I say, "don't believe the hype."
I'm not saying that dating prospects are exactly abundant, but I try not to be hung up on statistics. According to the statistics, I as the product of a single-parent home and fairly mediocre public schools, shouldn't be earning a Ph.D. So what the hell ever. Of course some single black women are lonely, but sometimes the loneliest people you meet are those in relationships. It seems like all these pieces do is instill fear in black women, and inflate the egos of black men, without ever addressing the root cause of the problem. Watch the video at your own risk:
I'm not saying that dating prospects are exactly abundant, but I try not to be hung up on statistics. According to the statistics, I as the product of a single-parent home and fairly mediocre public schools, shouldn't be earning a Ph.D. So what the hell ever. Of course some single black women are lonely, but sometimes the loneliest people you meet are those in relationships. It seems like all these pieces do is instill fear in black women, and inflate the egos of black men, without ever addressing the root cause of the problem. Watch the video at your own risk:
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7 comments:
This is so damn true!!!
The women seem to have it going on, what about the Black men? Why are we asking the women to settle while accepting the Black man as they are? It's a damn shame. The lesson to Black women seems to be either to 1) drastically lower your expectations or 2) date outside your race.
After watching many hours of daytime court room TV, divorce court and witnessing the classic "black man syndrome" in the lives of my friends, I believe Black women will choose not to accept Black men and will increasingly date outside their race. Honestly, I cant blame them. Who would put w/ tiger woods w/out the money, fame and riches?
I say, live on Soul Sista! You're doing fine. It's us Black men that need to raise the bar.
LoL. Keith, you are so funny. But seriously, I think this post makes a really good point about something I've been recently reflecting on: the danger of promoting this idea of black love-especially in young girls. When I was home for the holidays I spent lots of time with my mother, grandmothers, aunts and friends--many of whom are either single (or happily widowed) or very unhappily married or partnered. Those in relationships, by all accounts, have achieved the dream of "black love"--at least on paper. They've been together for years, many have children, good jobs, nice homes. But they are UNHAPPY. The husbands are inconsiderate, the wives are controlling. I'm not saying this is always the case, nor do I think these things are unique to black relationships by any means. But I do think the reality of love, at least in the black circles that I frequent, are not nearly as impressive as they were in my youthful imagination. In fact, I know of no black couple over the age of 40 who has a relationship I envy. And the fact that all Steve Harvey could say to the beautiful women in that clip was "date older men" was not anything I found comforting AT ALL.
I know for my own friends, those of us in successful relationships are with: women, white men, and men who by most standards are considered "nerds" (and thus, undesirable). I think in general black women need to 1. stop buying into the bullshit myth that their (often angry, lonely) mothers feed them about locating their happiness and chances of love int he bodies of black men and 2. open their minds about where they might find love. If our only goal is to catch a black man then many of us will end up settling or alone.
I appreciate your comments Keith, but I think it's also dangerous to promote the idea that all educated black women have it "going on" and just need black men to meet them at their level. I think this can be dangerous, because while many of these black women may have it together on the exterior, they may have some internal issues that they need to work on. Yet, they may be blind to these issues, because the message often is "Nothing is wrong with me. These men just need to get it together."
I also worry about discussions of singleness in our society. It seems when woman are single (regardless of their age), there is a tendency to pity them. On the other hand, we don't seem to pity men who are single. Even if they are older and single, men get to be a "distinguished bachelor." I also worry that there is a trichotomy (is that a word?) that is presented to black women: 1) settle 2) date outside your race or 3) duh duh duh dummm---end up ALONE! While I too envision my future with a husband and kids, maybe being alone isn't so bad. Are there older, successful black women who are happily single? Or, do we think that they are all secretly wishing that they were married?
Finally, I do think that increasing numbers of black women will date outside their race. I think that's just the trend in the United States (and it's definitely the case in the U.K. and Canada). However, I would be remiss if I did not mention that there ARE quality black dudes out there, and some of them actually desire relationships with black women. I'm not saying there are a plethora, but let's not take that option off the table either.
I think though that a lot of black women are overlooking the quality black men as well! Because we as women also have ideas about what is attractive and masculine. Many of us want "bad boys" or want to "fix men" (even subconsciously) and so these poor men are waiting around for us to notice them just like we are waiting on them. And when we don't and they end up with a woman who isn't black, then we want to get mad and say he's a traitor to the race. I'm not saying everyone go date outside their race, or that black men should be given a pass, but I do think we all need to take responsibility for how and why this happens (and happens so much more frequently for black men than black women)--and I will argue that it's not just that they don't love black women. Sometimes black women don't love them.
And honestly, i know LOTS of happily single and/or happily childless black women who are over 40 and are not wishing for a knight in shining armor. My grandmother is one. She was unhappily married for 54 years, my grandfather died last year and she's never been happier. A different situation, but still proves the point...relationships often are not all they're cracked up to be!
Do we call them a race traitor?
i don't know that people use those exact terms but i do think black women who see black men with non-black women generally feel like they have been betrayed in some way.
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